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The Third Way

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thedarkcrystal @ 12:02 pm: Death
This is crossposted to my own journal. I am going to start crossposting things that are relevant because this community does mean a lot to me but I haven't been giving it the attention it deserves.


Yesterday Holly saw this incredibly beautiful redtail perched on a fence near 101. Then today she saw what is almost certainly the same bird lying dead by the side of the road. There has been so much roadkill recently, and a huge number of birds of prey. They almost never get hit normally so I don't know what the hell is going on. It makes me sick and horribly depressed. I know it's not fair to discriminate, but birds and cats get to me the most. Birds mean a lot to me and I actually have this tendency to see a dead bird as both heartbreaking and a very bad omen. I have to stop doing the latter or I am going to end up seeing every day in a dark and terrible light. And with cats I will see them dead and think that if I had just found them yesterday and taken them home then somehow they wouldn't be dead now. Once I saw one which looked so much like Maxis that I had to stop and call home to make sure that he was all right.

In other death news, my tree would be dead by now if I hadn't moved it. The row that it was in has now been cut down. I knew that would happen eventually. I wish I could have found some way to have saved all of the trees there, but I can't. I'm glad I saved my tree though. It's very special and I love it and I couldn't let it be killed.

They are also starting construction on Bear Ranch. We drove by the other day on the way back from a serve and I saw the bulldozers there. I've been trying not to think about it too much or I'll start making myself sick again. I still can't handle it. I hate having to "not think about" things. I've always seen it as weak and blind and dishonest and just wrong. I feel like I should stare everything in the face unflinchingly all the time. Otherwise I am just like everybody else. I feel that someone has to do this. Almost everyone else just ignores all these things, pushes them as far as possible out of their conscious mind, makes excuses for them. I feel that I have to make up for all of this. I have to see for the whole world. I have to feel for the whole world.

In the interest of self-preservation I have stopped being so involved in activism and I have been avoiding the news. When I was working to save Bear Ranch it made me so sick and so desperate and so depressed all of the time. I had to stop because I think it would have killed me. When I read the news I feel the same way. The whole world comes crashing down. I am seemingly incapable of reacting to anything in a moderate rational manner. I've always been very dramatic and I am trying to work on these things. Right now I have to take care of myself first. You can't save the world if you don't even know how to take care of yourself. I feel selfish and horrible about it, but I know that if I can't learn to put myself first then everything I do for the rest of my life will be selfish.

Current Mood: confusedconflicted

Comments

[User Picture]
From:danielmurphy
Date:June 26th, 2005 04:45 am (UTC)
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i am very emotional about things, too. it hinders me from getting done the things i want to get done. at the same time, i become so consumed.. i am trying to work on that, too. that's sort of where i am now. i hate that place and i'm trying to get out. i have faith that i will because i have before.. but anyway the point was.. keep your head up, and you'll get there. if you want to, you will.. and i wish you a lot of luck and grace and acceptance on the way
[User Picture]
From:thedarkcrystal
Date:June 28th, 2005 03:39 am (UTC)
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Thanks, I appreciate that.
[User Picture]
From:caelidh
Date:January 8th, 2006 02:23 pm (UTC)
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I have recently beeing going through the same thing.. it especially hit after Hurricane Katrina..

I hope things have gotten better..

Peace
[User Picture]
From:thedarkcrystal
Date:January 11th, 2006 10:18 am (UTC)
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Not really, it's getting worse and worse. I guess I just have to move if I don't want to see it anymore, but I'm sure it will be happening anywhere I go.

Thank you though.
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